That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
