ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
