You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
