True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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