i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He better not be in your backpack
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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