I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
