Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
