did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dear god my vagina.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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