i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize