At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
