So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
