Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
