I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
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took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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