I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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