i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
