I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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