Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
