hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
