hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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