If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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