I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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