Your face is a jimmy john
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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