He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My feet surprised me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
