She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
