May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
