I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
