Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
