You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
