Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
