In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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