shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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