Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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