____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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