youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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