Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just want to make out with him forever
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
