The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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