Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
