walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
