For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
