Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
