She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
