i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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