I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
