I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
