god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
