the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
two words: eviction party
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
