remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
