yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
