I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
