i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
