I look better un-naked...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
