I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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