Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
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I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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