Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
