if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
