Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
