I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
